Okay – this blog is going to make you gag and roll your eyes – quite a few times I’m sure but something in me needs to write it out to prove to myself it’s real. I’m going to talk about my husband but let’s rewind first.
I went to a friend’s house the other night – just girls – so as you may have guessed that means “husband bashing time”. That’s fine – they can bash….but I’ve got nothing to say. I hear things like “I want to just spend time with him, we never laugh anymore, he never listens to me, he treats me like his child instead of his equal, I respect him so why doesn’t he respect me, I work hard at home but he can’t see that, I don’t ask for much, I feel like his employee, he hasn’t seen me naked in 6 weeks and that’s not about to change.” SIX WEEKS! Are you kidding me?
I sit, I nod as if I understand – but the truth is I don’t. I hope I never do. The truth is I just don’t understand how this happens. Did the man change or did the woman? Was it always this way or did it progressively get worse? Where is the freaking love? I’ve talked about this with my best friend who never has much to say in the “husband bashing” session either and we are always baffled at how many women settle. What makes women as a breed do that? Why are our standards so low? What in the world are we teaching our daughters?
I sit and listen and I think JESUS – I’m married to a fairy tale in comparison. No lie. A real life prince it seems. And while that should make me ecstatic – it actually scares the hell out of me. How did this happen? Why me? I’m not deserving and I can’t be a princess back to him so at what point will it be ripped away from me? How do I make him understand that I realize what I have in him? How, if ever, will I be able to live without him?
Every day my husband wakes up and doesn’t leave the bed without hugging and kissing me – no matter that it’s 4am. I wake up to find reminder notes, kid’s lunches packed, bags packed and things already in the car so I have less to carry. I get to work and there’s an email with a subject line of “Good morning baby doll”….with a small note saying “Hope you made it to work okay. I’m pretty busy but miss you. Will talk to you soon. Love you the mostest.” I reply and we chat all day – mostly about his next day off when we can sleep in and cuddle and spend every waking moment together and how great it will be. When he gets off work – he barely gets to his truck before I get a phone call and it’s another “Hey baby – how are ya? I’m heading home. I’ll pick up the girls so you don’t have to. Whatcha want for supper?” We chat and he indeed gets our girls and starts supper before I even get off work. I head home – he greets me at the door. Another kiss. Another hug. Ahh….the day’s events are wiped away in that one instant. We chat about the day – the usual. I tell him every detail of my day and he shares his. We hang out with the kids, work out together, watch our favorite shows after the girls are in bed and usually shove our big flabby bodies into a teeny tub and talk more about our hopes and dreams and the day. We go to bed and usually end up laughing our asses off about something stupid and I fall asleep with his arms wrapped around me. That’s my day – not some Valentine’s Day or anniversary or day off – that’s my day – every day. Once in a blue blue moon he’s tired or stressed or ticked at something – but it’s rare. He’s a man who can’t go to a store without buying me something – even if it’s usually my favorite candy bar for 50 cents. His thoughts are always of me and how he can make my day better. And it astonishes me. Because God knows I’m not that great and certainly not that deserving. I just don’t get it most days. And on every day I just don’t understand living in a world feeling like the women I spent time with over the weekend who couldn’t speak of their husband without tears falling. I am trying not to judge – I am not them, I am not their marriage or their life and I realize women stay for many reasons – and each woman owns those reasons.
For me, when I say my husband is my soulmate I mean it. I mean that if he’s not in this world I will lose part of my soul. It will literally be hard to breathe. There are things I count on I can’t live without…like him reaching for my hand whenever he’s driving or him being unable to keep his hands off me in a certain shirt 20 years later. Him taking out garbage and emptying a litter box – not because he loves it but because he knows it’s nice I don’t have to do it. Him writing me love letters for no reason. Him doing laundry because it’s one less thing I have to do. Him picking up my library books because I don’t have time or holding my hand through every tattoo even when I don’t ask him to. Him crying when our two little daughters were born. Him becoming enraged if our safety is ever threatened. Him being him. I guess I’m just always surprised that I walk away from every “husband bashing” event feeling like I won the lottery. I can’t say that to the other women because they are hurting and it wouldn’t be right – so I’m saying it here and now because this is MY blog. Roll your eyes, gag – do what you will. I don’t really mind. It IS pretty sappy…….