Today is the day I prove I have a brain to the bloggies that I love who suffer through my poop escapades each day.
First a confession. I have come to the conclusion that I suck at this weight loss thing. I mean honestly....4 years into this journey and still no goal? How many times will I feel it within my grasp and then let it go? I actually wonder - is my goal wrong, stupid, unrealistic, unattainable? Um nope - if it were I wouldn't be able to pull inches of Sheniqua off my muffin sides. And I know I can get there - the day I walked in for my tummy tuck appt I was there. I worked my ass off to get to that day. I was running for an hour a day - 5 or 6 miles and lifting every other day for a full hour too. I burned upwards of 600 calories in every workout and my metabolism was rocking. I bought size 5 pants and they fit. I was at goal.
Today - I don't know if I can get there again. I am full of doubts. I wonder if I want this bad enough. So in saying all that....would you all hate me if I asked to borrow your lap band for a week or so? I want a tool - that doesn't allow me to eat so much....because I can't stop on my own. I have an addiction and it scares me to death that I can easily go back to 226 if I don't get this under control. I feel alone in this battle - because at the end of the day it's only up to me - no one else can reach this goal for me.
What is the void I'm trying to fill? What is food giving me I can't get from anything else? Why can't I love me for me? Just why? I'm just tired - tired of the cycle, tired of knowing for the rest of my life I can't ever go over calories or stop working out or the weight comes back instantly. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and only seeing "not good enough". I love everyone I love for exactly who and what they are - and I want that for myself. Maybe Eckhart is the key to that.
Here's an excerpt I read last night that made me think about the Grinches and Martha Stewarts I complain about a lot.
"The ego loves to complain and feel resentful not only about other people but also about situations. What you can do to a person, you can also do to a situation: make it into an enemy. The implication is always: This should not be happening; I don't want to be here; I don't want to be doing this; I'm being treated unfairly. And the ego's greatest enemy of all is, of course, the present moment, which is to say, life itself. See if you can catch, that is to say, notice the voice in the head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a conditioned mind pattern, a thought. Every time you recognize this voice, this ego...it is weakened."
"The ego always wants something from other people or situations. There is always a hidden agenda, always a sense of "not enough yet", of insufficiency and lack that needs to be filled. It uses people and situations to get what it wants, and even when it succeeds it is never satisfied for long. Often it is thwarted in its aims, and for the most part the gap between "I want" and "what is" becomes a constant source of upset and anguish. The underlying emotion that governs all the activity of the ego is fear. The fear of being nobody, the fear of nonexistence, the fear of death. All its activities are ultimately designed to eliminate this fear, the the most the ego can ever do is cover it up temporarily with an intimate relationship, a new possession, or winning at this or that. Illusion will never satisfy you. Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free."
That's all I got for now. I'm spending the day getting back on track - in my mind - and then in body. I fell off the wagon...so what right? You guys will let me get back on - right? I'll bring friends....Sheniqua and Drazil you know (they'll bring the appetizers cuz they're azzholes)....and maybe even Frank....they all love you too. We can't do it without you.......that is one thing I am sure of.
♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥
♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪
♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣