The “non-pretty part” is coming at the end….I can’t start out a blog with such vulgarity. I do have some morals.
First off – is anyone else so tired from this time change that your eyes burn, you’ve fallen asleep at your desk, forgotten who you are and are in a virtual coma? Hmm…maybe it’s just me.
Second – to BG re: migraines. Yup I had a CT scan of the brain too. God only knows why the diagnosis “crazy” wasn’t officially ascertained from this but no problems that they could see (cuz I hide crazy well I guess)….which led to “um we have no idea why you had 65 migraines.” Nice. But YES – mine are totally lack of sleep related too…which could be why I got one the last three days (plus the bad food no exercise)….the time change. People with migraines are super sensitive to time changes and weather and such. I’m so sorry you get them too…I’ve had them for 5 days at a time too….and the pain is indescribable.
Third – I did not weigh today. I shall prevail.
Fourth - this is the “ain’t gonna be pretty part” you’re all waiting for. No bodily fluids – just body parts. I can’t really believe I’m going to type this but I can’t always talk about the effing scale and what I’m shoving in my mouth right?
Oh and from here on out – in the tradition of naming things and cuz I hate typing the word vagina – my lady part is gonna be known as Candy.
Mmmmkay….soooo…..I was coerced into trying a new project last night by someone who shall remain nameless (her initials are A.W.). She was all bragging after my Brazilian wax question….she was all “I don’t spend money on going to someone, I do my own, shave it myself, no razor burn – smooth as a baby’s butt, totally easy-peasy.”
I think she lies - a lot.
Sooo I email Miss Unnamed privately and say, “Nu-uh – how the hell can that be possible – no razor burn?” She gives me pointers, tips, suggestions – yes – we are swapping shaving tips about Candy……unbelievable I know. But sometimes a girl’s gotta ask if she wants to know right?
So I say “ Heck I can do this – I’m not stupid – I’m gonna save money and embarrassment – no problemo.” I begin to prepare mentally in my head….these things cannot be done on a whim – your head must be in the right place before proceeding. That is to say craned so far near your ass it’s pretty much up in there…..women aren’t made to bend that way. Ugh.
I say to the family – leave me alone – I need quiet time – I’m shutting the door. I get out the materials. I line them up on the bath tub’s edge. I say a prayer. I begin.
30 seconds in and my back and neck hurt. Note to self – ask A.W. exactly how she sits/stands/lays when she attempts this de-hairing.
5 minutes in I realize there is too much water in the tub. I cannot possibly hold my ass/Candy up in the air for as long as this is going to take. Note to self – ask A.W. if she does this in the shower or tub or outside in the backyard pool. I drain some water. This is a helluva lot of work. This better be worth it.
On I trod. New shaver – check (the better to knick myself with). Hubby’s shaving cream – check (better to smell like a man’s face with). Tweezers – ha – I’m kidding. (Scared you, didn’t I?)
So whatever – I do my thing and the whole time I’m telling myself “Stop thinking about A.W. – that’s just gross to think of a fellow blogger in such a private moment – focus on Candy – this is important – you screw this up and you may never recover. Pay attention.”
Halfway through – I’m concentrating so hard that I don’t hear my daughter come in…I look up – shaver in Candy….and die of embarrassment.
“Whatcha doing Mommy?”
Well I’m certainly not doing what it looks like I’m doing. NOW GET OUT!
I continue and all I can think is “JESUS – how many nooks and crannies and crevices do these things have?” I’ve got enough here that when I’m done I can make a hairpiece. I think I’m done and voila! – nope – there’s a whole other area I missed. I’m having serious doubts that one teeny shaver can handle this. I probably should have done a pre-shave. I feel like I’m holding up thawed pieces of chicken trimming the fat off of them. This is like a frigging science project and I feel like I’m going to be graded when I’m done. It’s like trying to mow grass with one of those old-fashioned push mowers – in grass that hasn’t been mowed in um – years.
FINALLY I’m done – well let’s just say I’m done with the parts I can see. I cannot bend that far and those pieces/parts are just gonna have to live that way. There is no way I’m just gonna blind-shave in a part such as Candy. That’s inhumane. Not to mention wrong.
I get out – I’m sooo proud of myself. I slather on the lotion. I step in front of the mirror.
OH THE HORROR. What have I done to Candy? What IS that thing? THAT is what it looks like without hair? Are you kidding me? I’m a porn star – a real life porn star. (Oh stop pretending you haven’t seen one.) Except they make it look good. What the hell? Can I superglue the hair back on? I can’t walk around like this. (Yah for a minute there I forgot I get to wear clothes over it.)
OH MY GOD – is that itching already? Holy mother of God it’s been 30 seconds since I dried off and I want to itch myself with a freaking hair brush just to make it stop. This cannot be happening.
Breathe. Calm down. It’s not so bad. It’s just new. I’ll get used to it and the man will have to appreciate it right? No more forest to get to the cave. Men love that right?
I exit the project area. I go see the man.
Do you know what he says??????????????????????????
"Nice but I like a little strip on top…you know maybe even a lightening bolt shape."
Did he just say that out loud and with an effing smirk? What do I look like – a freaking artist? You can’t make custom requests! Are you bending into shapes women weren’t made to bend into? Are you exploring caverns that you never knew existed? Do you know what Candy and I have just been through?
Dude – it’s gonna be a long time before you see this porn star’s weird-ass looking Candy. And by the way….you might wanna pick up new shavers before you shave next time. I used six of them. That’s right – all for the cause buddy.
When I let the lightening bolt grow back – I’m gonna use your toothbrush to comb it all pretty. Jerk.
Morale of the story – do not try this at home. Unless you’re A.W…..
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