Just in case you all have these visions in your head of me being nice, thoughtful, compassionate or in general a good person....I thought I should post this....TO BURST YOUR FREAKING BUBBLE.
First off I told my husband he could not buy a turkey blind. Duh. Ridiculous. Who the hell uses family budget money for a tent to put in the woods so a turkey won't see you? NOT US.
Five minutes later I ordered 2 shirts and 2 bikinis online for the Chicago trip. Wow. Can anyone spell hypocrite? Oh and that's was five minutes after he told me he took the Chicago days off of work so he can stay home and watch our kids. I swear to God he's the male version of Mary Poppins. He swoops in on his umbrella leaving rainbows in his path....even as I try my hardest to suck the life out of him.
Okay and...a woman offered to wash all my windows for me yesterday. For free. I said no.
What I really meant is that my MOM offered to wash all my windows for me and that means there's always a cost. I stood there - a grown 35 year old woman - and said with a serious face, "Dirty windows don't bother me, I don't stand around looking out my windows, when I don't have 3 jobs and little kids then I'll have clean windows but right now I have better things to do."
I said those exact words. I'm not kidding.
I lied because she wasn't trying to help. She hates my dirty windows because they reflect badly on how she taught me to be as a housewife. So the fact that I don't drown daily with the list of things on my plate and of all the things I accomplish well - all she sees - are dirty windows. Nice.
Oh and on the whootananny front...let me say I have figured it all out. I'm just a slow learner. I used the MSP (magic shave powder). I was the only one in the house. Things go much smoother that way (nice pun huh?). You should have seen me. I had a drink. I had chips and salsa. I had a book. I had the radio on loud. It was like I was in the most expensive spa in the world. Pretty soon they'll make a reality show of my life - cuz it's so damn glamorous.
At one point I forgot my book so I was walking around in the kitchen with MSP smeared all over me - feeling like the Queen of Sheba. Can you imagine? I caught a glimpse of myself - all tattooed up, naked with white crap smeared all over me - and I laughed out loud. Good times.
I literally sat there and thought - oh my bloggie girls would be so proud of me. I thought of turkey necks (Amy W), ass jingles (Gilly) and even China (BandBabe). Again - little creepy that I'm all up in the whootananny and thinking of you all but it's impossible not to. Live with it. I've learned to.
Okay so there - I suckola. You've been warned. I am not this incredible gumdrop farting woman you thought I was. But if you don't mind....can we just keep pretending I am? It's just easier that way....for everyone involved.
Plus if you don't do what I ask - I'll use my gerbil voodoo on you. And trust me - you don't want that.
♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥
♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪
♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣