I’ve tried to fart a gumdrop all day….I put my all into it…even gave it a little grunt. And nothing.
So call me Grumpy Care Bear, Grumpy Smurf or simply Bitch of the Day will work. Honest to God – who invented Mondays? Who was it? Probably the same sadistic bastard that invented high heels and pantyhose. Jesus.
I have no reason to be grumpy except that I can’t make a vendor see they are wrong and I am right and it’s driving me insane. The last thing the little twit said to me was “call our customer service”. I said NOPE – I’m done wasting my time with you – tomorrow I switch carriers….yup little Miss suck even more life out of my shitabulous craptastic Monday – you just lost your little business $18,000 a year I used to hand over to you. Can you say stupid? Apparently – she doesn’t know it yet – but her Monday sucks worse than mine.
And this bathroom exploding thing. You know – on a good day – it’s damn funny. I can laugh about it – time him while he’s in there – try to expect the explosive noises and blog about it. Today – on a Monday – it ain’t funny. I literally want to run in there and yell, “CAN’T YOU DO THIS SHIT (LITERALLY) AT HOME LIKE THE REST OF US? WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN MAN?” right before I kick him on the bare shin because his pants are around his ankles. Nice visual huh?
Today though I hit new low – even the peeing is pissing me off. (Better to be pissed off than pissed on I guess right?)
But no – I was by the copier – which is by the bathroom and it is occupied as usual and I hear the peeing. It sounds like an elephant is standing on a cliff peeing into a Tupperware bowl below – it’s that loud.
I do not want to HEAR anyone pee – or any bodily functions – beyond the gas my husband exudes nightly. And then my mind goes nuts – OMG – he’s in there, holding his penis, peeing, in the toilet my hot tanned butt sits on, and he’s not going to wash and he’s going to come out and bump into me with his penis-laden hands. I can’t take it. I can’t.
And you should see Drazil - his little head is spinning around so fast it's not even funny. Drazil cannot tolerate bodily functions. He can't understand it....cuz his poo is cute...it's like baby green gumdrops. (See - Mondays drive me to this - talking about lizard poop.)
Some day I’m going to open my own business.
Number one requirement for any male to be hired. He must have a catheter and colostomy poop bag.
♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥
♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪
♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣