It’s I Wish Wednesday for me. All week long I remain prim and proper and hold in things I’d like to scream like “OMG – they let YOU have kids?” and I write them here….just for your reading pleasure and my sanity. Enjoy.
1. To a certain family member that swears her birthday is “just another day she doesn’t care about” – I wish you’d stop being a liar. If you’re going to lie – at least be good at it. When my four old is covered in chocolate and tells me she didn’t steal my candy bar – she’s more believable. I know it’s your birthday. I wish it wasn’t. I wish you’d realize the world doesn’t revolve around you but *sigh* - apparently it does.
2. To myself – the husband seducer. Oh girls…I have created a monster. Now we go to bed. I am near sleeping. Rambo jumps in bed. He puts his “thing” as close to me as possible and says, “Okay, I’m ready to be molested again. You can start any time.” Penis in the air ready for molesting….yes, goodnight honey, sweet f*cking dreams you horn dog. Right before I seduced him the other night I wish I would have made him sign a contract that made him aware this was a one time deal.
3. And while we’re on this topic let’s just keep going. I wish I wasn’t so hot. Now before you throw tomatoes at me and call me an arrogant witch…let me finish. I wish I wasn’t so hot…in his eyes. Okay I’m lying..it’s kinda fun BUT it doesn’t bode well for getting anything done. Let me explain. It is summer. It is hotter than Satan’s crotch here (to quote Steph). I don’t give a good damn who sees me in a bikini. I paid $5000 for this stomach – dammit – people should pay ME to get a glimpse of it. I wear bikinis – sun up to sun down. It is not smart. I am unable to walk past the husband without getting molested. A boob is popped out. The bottoms are yanked up my behind with the comment, “Hmm…it looks even better that way.” Yah, I should wear a g-string around all day – as if this isn’t inappropriate enough. I get taken to the bedroom. I get mauled in corners. I get nothing done. I’m just saying. I wish I wasn’t so hot…to him….sort of.
4. To the people that pay their water bills with bad checks – um – I’d rather you didn’t pay at all. Turning your checks over to the cops and charging you a fee and having to see you at the local gas station is embarrassing. I’d rather you just didn’t pay than go through that humiliation – for you and for me. I wish you knew that if the money isn’t there – the check won’t clear. It’s basic math. I wish you’d get a second and third job like me so this didn’t happen.
5. To the guy who got demoted at the prison for sleeping with a co-worker and sending racist emails….I wish your wife would poison you. Oh that’s right – she can’t – she’s out cheating on you too. I wish you weren’t able to re-interview for a job my husband clearly outranks you for. I wish you weren’t such a good ass-kisser. I wish people saw you for what you are. Scum. Sometimes I wish you were behind the bars instead of outside of them.
6. To the asshole family member that had the nerve to Facebook chat with me like a 5 year old…..I wish for one second you’d wake the f*ck up and realize you’re a grown man. I asked this person a simple question – how are you? To that he answered, “I am not okay, lots of things are wrong, tell everyone I’m fine and pray for me.” WHAT????? When I asked what and why – I got nothing. What are we 12? If you want to talk – great – I’m here. If you want to lead me on and make me worry – get in f*cking line. I invent things to worry about so I don’t need you to add to it. I am not a puppet. I wish you’d just grow up….literally….it’s time.
7. To my 4 year old who makes me laugh – I wish you’d never grow up. Last night I was tucking her in and laid down beside her. I only had underwear on. I lay down for cuddle time and next thing I know she’s sitting up and WHAP – she slapped my boob. Just gave it a good ol smack and the boob goes a’swinging. She said, “You have nice big boobies mom.” Oh stop laughing – it was dark – she couldn’t see they actually look like shriveled grapes outlined by scars. She’s lucky I have almost no feeling in my boobs or seriously it would have hurt. At 4, there’s no shame, no embarrassment – just a mom and her boob and a whack. It’s part of the reason you’ll find me in a bikini or naked a lot in my own home. I don’t want my girls to think I hate my body or have them see me try to hide it or point out my flaws. I walk around naked – proudly – not hiding, not ashamed….so they will some day not be ashamed to do that same thing. I wish my 4 year old would stop smacking boobs though. The next time she tries that with her Grandma – welll…..it won’t be a fun day for Momma.
8. Lastly, this one goes out to Martha Stewart (co-worker). If she’s not blowing her nose like a beached whale (I swear her and Explosive Man could make music with their bodily function noises), she’s giggling like a 12 year old school girl. You know that giggle. The fake, I’m only giggling to impress you and shove my face up your ass so you’ll like me giggle………OMG – I wish she’d choke on her own spit during a giggle episode. I wish coffee would come out her nose when she chokes. I wish it would run down her designer shirt and she’d have to walk around all day like that. Or I just wish she’d choke. That’d be enough.
So there you have it. Another wistful episode of “I Wish Wednesday”. I’m all better now. Anyone joining me this week? What do you wish for in your wildest dreams?
Please do not say melted white Mexican cheese.