My weekend sucked donkey dicks. Big green ones.
You all know I’ve had a stressful few weeks and my weekend began with a doc telling me my blood pressure was sky high. It’s to be expected – I’m in the middle of a kitchen remodel right?
It all went downhill from there folks. Banana complained her ear hurt Friday so we took her to urgent care. Ear infection – her ear drum completely perforated. Ugh. She was up most of the night.
We all know lack of sleep and stress cause my migraines and by Saturday morning at 9am I had already taken two pain pills. I had a few hours of relief – and managed to paint my wall underneath the bar, my chairs and my table and the migraine came back. I took another pain pill and nothing. I sat in the bathtub and cried and Rambo knew we had to go to the ER. He just knows when it’s too much.
No one was able to watch our girls so they had to come with us. I wish that could have been avoided. I have a really high pain tolerance so when I get to the point of going to the ER – the pain is unbearable. And when we get to the point of going to the ER – I feel defeated. I feel weak. I feel pissed that it’s come to this. The time, the money, the waiting, my kids being scared, me unable to handle life – it’s safe to say I’ve pretty much lost it at that point.
My blood pressure that was high on Thursday – was 192 over 124 on Saturday….due to the pain they say. You think?
I laid there silently and the tears wouldn’t stop. I never made a sound so I wouldn’t scare the girls but I wanted to scream. I wanted to stop the tears but they kept on streaming through the washcloth they put on my eyes. And then all of a sudden I’d feel a tiny hand reach out and grab mine. And a little later I’d feel another little hand wipe my tears away. I’d hear a little voice say, “It’s going to be okay Mommy” and on the other side, I’d hear Rambo pull up a chair and feel him hold my other hand.
Even in my darkest moments – I am not alone. And while those instances are precious – I find myself pissed that I put the three people I love most into a situation such as that – where they were required to be upset and scared and caring of me.
I am so defeated in those moments – and the pain clouds everything. I can’t shake the feeling of being so angry at myself for not being able to handle life like other women do. I can’t stop being pissed that I failed by ending up in the ER. I am weak….in body and now in spirit – by the time I get to the ER. And I want it over.
Whatever they give me in an IV puts me to sleep for a while so Rambo was on his own with Banana and her ear….which was better by then thank God.
Until Sunday came and she started throwing up. I held her the entire day. Pale and fragile – and not talking or eating or drinking – the feelings of failing everyone just came rushing back.
And then the pooping came after the puking. She can’t even control it and so it’s cleaning and baths and changing underwear constantly and every time I sit by the bathtub or toilet with her….she looks at me with those pitiful eyes and says, “Mom, I have to get better for my birthday.”
Her birthday is in October people. It makes me smile a little. That’s my Banana.
And get this? I never gagged once. I refused to. I failed her the night before and I wasn’t going to repeat that.
Rambo stayed home again like I knew he would. He’s the guy that can do it all. Little to no sleep, has a cold himself, kitchen remodel, 3 jobs like me, one sick kid and a wife in the ER….and he still smiles and laughs and lives – and never fails – and isn’t weak. He has to be strong – because God knows I can’t be. We’d fall apart without him.
The stress has been mounting – with the school situation followed by tax time for the PT jobs. And remember the annual report due 3/31 but there was a glitch that wasn’t my fault? Well the State fixed that Thursday night – the night the report was due. I asked for an extension of one day since they just fixed it and the lady told me I didn’t qualify for an extension and she could legally finish the report for me and charge me for it.
Holy shitballs. That amped up the stress level. Jesus. And I send out all the water bills for entire Village on a quarterly basis. That happened to fall this weekend too. Hmmm….crazy much?
Too many factors all led up to the ER visit. Kitchen remodel finishes today – he’ll have to come back once when the new countertops arrive – but beyond that he’s done today. Whew right?
Jenny called this morning and everything I wrote above I said to her. I told her I’m weak in spirit and tired in body and she said I don’t know how to make you stop feeling that but you are not weak.
That was it. I just need that. For one person to say that and mean it like she did.
I believe her. Because I need to. Because I have no reason not to. And because I’m here – on a Monday – fighting to keep my eyes open and fighting the exhaustion and defeat. I’m working. Meeting deadlines. Making money. Being a wife and mother and co-worker the only way I know how.
And you’re damn right I’ll count the minutes until I can get home and hold Banana in my arms and tell her “Mommy is here”.
I will not give into this feeling of failing and flailing. This is a moment in time – a test of my inner strength. It will pass. It will end. I will end up stronger and better.
Everybody falls. Everybody falters.
Even someone who claims to be Superwoman occasionally.