Thursday, August 25, 2011
The dealio. The scoopio. Right nowio.
• This exercise hiatus is going to have to end. A quick fix to insomnia is exhausting my body into oblivion on a treadmill. I know this. I crave this. I must quit pretending I lost my running shoes. I know exactly where I hid them.
• No lie – it has been days since I drank water. Pure, straight up, on the rocks water. When did this happen? How did this happen? Can you even imagine how dehydrated my organs are? I bet some of them look like shriveled up potatoes.
• Today I did not eat a Twix for breakfast. WAIT! Stop! Do not clap or applaud or do a cartwheel…until you hear why I did not eat a Twix. It’s because I ran out of them. AND because last night Rambo came home with a bag behind his back – made me hold out my hand and close my eyes – and promptly filled my hand with cinnamon bagels from Panera Bread. Jesus frick. A man I love in leather drove out of his way to bring me cinnamon bagels…excuse me…I’m going to need a minute to go service myself. And you people wonder why I’m fat?
• I live in Podunk. East of Care Bear Land. I drive on country roads with 90 degree corners. There isn’t a lot of traffic. There are only 80 year old Grandpas whose licenses should have been revoked 18 years ago who follow the signs that say you should only go 25mph because they don’t know the roads. Hence – I have road rage – country hick style.
Now not having a lot of experience with real road rage – I’m wondering – do you fellow road ragers talk to the other driver as if they can hear you? This morning I was in my car – following Mr. 80 year old Geezer and I found myself saying – out loud:
“Seriously? We’re going to go 45? I have to get to work. I’m not retired and almost dead like you. Get out of my way. I’m so passing you. If you can’t drive on the roads at a normal speed you shouldn’t be on them.”
I mean really – who is the insane road rager here? He’s not in his car talking to no one like I am. He’s just driving. Following the speed limit signs.
Also – on the way into work when I finally got onto the highway I passed two huge tour buses with again – 90 year olds – on it. (Can I just say that once I hit 70 there’s no way in hell I’m getting up every day before noon. Why don’t old people sleep in?)
The buses were filled to capacity. Those suckers creep me the hell out. Because of their height. I feel like they can see into my car – and into my soul. I want to cover myself when they are beside me. Do you guys ever feel like that? When you’re down below in your car and a big bus or semi is above you? I’ve been in the semis and I’m here to tell you – looking down – we can see it ALL so I know and it creeps me OUT. Yes – all this before 7am folks.
• Instead of going to Harley bike night with Rambo last night – I shopped online for four hours. Yes, that is what I said. Four. Expect a picture post soon. Clearly – I have a problem. Just doing my part to help this economy you know.
• Lastly – I have read MANY blogs where you girls have come across spiders in your houses or snakes when you are out on a run and your first thought is to snap a picture of it to share the monstrosity with us – your fellow bloggers. I want to report to you that I found a black widow spider outside on our deck – like seriously posing for a picture – and I did NOT take one. No – I spared you the gore of such a thing. You can thank me by sending me money if you want.
I didn’t even think to find the camera. Don’t say I never do anything for you. And yes – before Rambo left for bike night – I yelled out the door, “You’re going to leave us here with the spider and he’s going to poison and kill us all just so you can go to bike night!?”
Never mind the looks of horror on my kid’s faces that we were going to be poisoned and killed by a spider. Oopsie.
Speaking of snakes – did any of you watch the last episode of Hoarders where the guy actually hoarded SNAKES? What the holy hell? That man didn’t need help – he needed to be shot. I cannot deal. I simply cannot.
Luckily, snakes are outlawed in Care Bear Land. They don’t allow anyone over the age of 70 to drive either. And lizards are shot on sight.
Bet you want to move in there with me now, don’t you?
Posted by the gumdrop farting Skittle bathing ♥ Drazil ♥ at 10:21 AM