Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Drazil was up planning evil deeds because he’s a nasty louse.
The blinged stockings were hung by the chimney with care
Waiting to be filled with makeup, shoes and products for my hair.
Sheniqua was nestled tight to my hip as we lay snug in our bed.
While visions of a size zero tight ass danced in my head.
Now where the hell is Drazil? God, he’s such a sap.
It’s time to settle down with Rambo for a long winter’s nap.
Just then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I smacked Rambo so he could see what was the matter.
Away to the window, he flew like a flash.
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow.
Gave the luster of diamonds to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
There sat Drazil on top of Rudolph’s back. What a dick!
He was controlling the whole gang – yes, even St. Nick.
Faster than hives spreading on my ass, his coursers they came.
And Drazil whistled and shouted, and called them by name.
"You idiot Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! Jesus Donner – get off of old Blitzen!
Get your asses on the roof so Santa can land here.
I’ve been waiting for my presents all f*cking year.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
Drazil screaming and then the pawing of each little hoof.
As I rose from my bed, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
He looked pissed off, like he wanted to stomp Drazil into ashes and soot.
I knew how he felt…I wanted to kill Drazil every single day.
I wanted to help Santa but I didn't know what I should say.
I noticed a bundle of heels and purses that he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a salesman at Macy’s as he was opening his pack.
My eyes were as wide as saucers, my dimples how merry!
My ass cheeks filled with hives and I knew they were as red as a cherry!
My mouth was dry and I fell to my knees!
Was that a Coach purse? Oh Lord, help me please!
Santa was smoking a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke encircled Drazil’s puny head just like a wreath.
He began to cough and wretch from his stupid blue belly,
While I laughed so hard my stomach shook like a bowlful of jelly!
Oh Santa was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
He's as big as Sheniqua and as sassy too, I thought to myself.
Then Santa gave me a wink and a conniving twist of his head,
Would he grant my Christmas wish and strike Drazil dead?
He ignored Drazil’s pouting and went straight to his work,
He filled all the stockings but two and then turned with a jerk.
Then he calmly stepped on Drazil and squashed him right flat.
He kicked Sheniqua’s ass and yelled, “You whore…now SCAT!”
I nearly feinted in joy and offered Santa a quick BJ.
He declined and said he’d get that from my best friend Jenny…just down the way.
I stared at the purses, the heels, the diamonds and the Harley clothes.
I felt a peace I’d never known all the way down to my Shellac-ed toes.
With Drazil still crying, Santa sprang to his sleigh and to his team gave a whistle,
And whatever the hell this means – they flew away like the down of a thistle.
As he drove out of sight I heard him exclaim, “Happy Christmas to all!”
“Tell Drazil to leave town or I’ll come back and rip off his lizard balls!”
"Be sure Sheniqua lays off the Doritoes and the late night pudding snacks.
Or her new home will be where Rambo works with all the other asshole quacks."
He waved goodbye and said, “Enjoy your bling bling, my Princess lovebug.
And be careful with the snakeskin Jimmy Choos…they fit a little snug.”
I’ll see you next year. Drazil better be a handbag and Sheniqua should still be MIA.
If you can accomplish that, there might be a little something extra next year, mmkkaay?