Soooo – if you read my 2012 goal post, you’ll remember that I am going to go gluten-free for 30 days.
Why? Well – because going Paleo seemed too hard. Ha!
That’s actually sort of true but I digress. I’m going gluten-free because in my spare time I’m a “can work the WebMD.com website like Kim Kardashian works 12 days marriages” certified doctor.
Yup. El doctore. Right here. The first item on the to do list is to tranquilize Draz so he’s constantly comatose while injecting him with sterroids so his lizard balls grow bigger than his insanely small head. Won’t it be fun when he wakes up?
This here doctor has self-diagnosed herself with a case of gluten intolerance. I’m not kidding. There are MANY symptoms of gluten intolerance and I have a buttload of them. For example:
• Abdominal Distention – for real – after I eat my stomach can literally look 6 months pregnant from the swelling. It is OBVIOUS. Even Rambo can’t deny it’s there when I tell him to look. It is very uncomfortable and I’ve never ever known why it happens.
• Abdominal Pain and Cramping – yup – quite often after eating. I used to think it was my anxiety but now I’m beginning to wonder
• Alternating Bouts of Diarrhea and Constipation – Jesus. They just had to go there didn’t they? Fine. Yes. This is me. I can’t believe I just admitted that.
• Anemia – yup – have had that many times. In fact, can’t give blood because of it.
• Bloating – yup – see first symptom above
• Borborygmi (stomach rumbling) – I had no idea this had a name or mattered but literally – at night when I go to bed – Rambo can hear my stomach. We always laugh about how loud it is. And it’s not hunger sounds. It’s AFTER I’ve eaten.
• Constipation - seriously – haven’t we already covered this?
• Stunted Growth and Failure to Thrive – this one I do NOT have. My ass continues to thrive and grow daily
• Depression, Anxiety and Irritability – hmmm – and I thought this was just my personality. Maybe not?
• Dermatitis Herpetiformis – no rashes but I do have adult acne unless I take an antibiotic for it and then my skin is CLEAR – I’d love to get off this med
• Diabetes – sometimes I wonder. I had gestational diabetes so my chances of adult diabetes are higher.
• Diarrhea – for Christ’s sake – why do we have to talk about poop so much? Yes. Fine. There – I said it.
• Fatigue – Holy mother of all that is holy. Fatigue? YES, YES and YES. Like fall asleep at my desk, take incessant hours long naps, sleep in but still go to bed early, sometimes feels too hard to even hold my arms up kind of fatigue.
• Malodorous Flatulence – I refuse to look up what malodorous means. But I do not fart. I pressure.
• Malodorous Stools – again with the malodorous. Ack.
• Headaches and Migraines – yupper – with no trigger found and on a preventive med now because they are at least 4 days a week
• Joint pain
• Lactose intolerance – not sure – this is my next experiment if gluten-free doesn’t work
• Mouth sores or mouth ulcers
• Nausea – yup. For me I get a mild flu-like feeling almost daily
• Numbness or tingling in the patient’s hands and feet – yup sometimes
• Steatorrhea (high lipids in the stool, which may cause the stool to float) – floating poop? I’ve heard it all. The word “stool” has now become a TOXIC WORD to me. We shall never mention it again, mmkkaayy?
• Teeth and Gum Problems
• Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies – I’d bet my left tit I have this.
• Unexplained Weight loss – I wish. In my opinion, this is not a symptom. It’d be a benefit but I’m just sayin.
After seeing that I have so many of the symptoms and knowing that never before have I attempted to be gluten-free – I think it’s time I give it a shot. I’d love to not take preventive meds for migraines or antibiotics for acne and feel like general crap most days by cutting out gluten. I can’t even imagine what will happen if this works.
Today is Day 1.
Oh and I’ve told myself that any chocolate or sweets inevitably have gluten in them. I have no idea if this is true or not but I’m pretending they do because while I’m getting healthy I’d like to kick my addiction to sugar and processed crap. Do not comment and tell me there is no gluten in Skittles or Milky Ways. I will cut you.
There are sooo many gluten-free options out there – some even crappy ones – like gluten-free candy. I’m not doing that. I’m not going to eat the same shit I always did but just gluten-free. I’m aiming for health all-around.
I’m keeping a detailed journal of any vitamins I take and how I feel physically and mentally. Apparently I should keep a separate “stool” journal for as much as they are talked about above.
And just in case you’re worried that I’m gonna freak out with no sugar or go off the deep end since I might not be getting a lot of carbs….fear not.
Wanna know why?
Mountain Dew is gluten-free! Halle-freaking-luyah right?
Yes – smartasses – I am aware that I just said I want to aim for all around health above and Mt. Dew is a direct opposite of that but listen – cold turkey is CUH-RAZY. For me anyway.
So one tiny can of 8oz of Mt. Dew is my treat a day – with NO gluten.
Since some of you may ask – this is my plan for the day.
2 eggs w/ 2 pcs of bacon
4oz chicken breast, broccoli, one small potato
4 oz chicken breast, lettuce, spinach, gluten-free ranch dressing – salad
110 calories of Mt. Dew
Maybe a Lara bar (YAY – gluten free)
Shitloads of water
Vitamin D and magnesium (supposed to help with migraines)
Obviously this is new to me so if you see something in my plan that has gluten in it – please feel free to tell me.
And since so many of you have told me you eat gluten free – I have a question.
What do you order when you eat out?
Onward my G-free friends. Let’s do this!