Are you ready? Here we go.
1. A couple I know through another friend I know was getting married. Scratch that - renewing their vows. They wanted to do it in my friend's place of business. She said, "Sure. Why not?" When I asked her how the renewal went - she said the best part of the renewal was the aisle. Yes friends, the aisle the couple walked down.
You know those runner thingys that you can rent for probably less than $25 - with the handy dandy strings on the sides so your ushers can just eloquently walk down the aisle and romantically lay out the "red carpet" that the lovely bride shall walk down like in all the movies?
Welllll - that ain't happening here. This couple is Mr. and Mrs. Frugalmeister. They went to Walmart. Bought two plastic red tablecloths for 99 cents each and duct taped them together. Voila!
We've got a runner for the bride!!! Winner winner chicken dinner, right?
It didn't roll out romantically in case you are wondering. It was "folded" out. Duct tape side down, duh.
Never ever could I have stood there without my jaw hanging open. I just don't have that kind of class in me.
2. To give you a little background - before Rambo was a correctional Sargent, he was a semi driver and before that he farmed. Here in Podunk, all of those careers basically mean that every other word out of your mouth starts with F and rhymes with truck. It's almost a requirement. Some people even put it on their resumes..."Able to swear like all the other hillbillies around me."
Rambo has the uncanny ability to turn it off and on. He jumps in the semi and he's like a swearing sailor. He gets out - he refrains. Same with the prison.
However, we have a couple of guy friends who don't turn it off - for anyone. The F word to them is literally like saying the word "the". They ain't gonna refrain for anyone. So when our friends go to their relative's houses for things like Christmas - things can get dicey.
Mostly because their relatives do NOT swear - under any circumstances. In fact, even words like "sucks" or "crap" or "dang" - are NOT allowed.
Actually - they have a term for such words. If someone says one, they gasp, point at the perpatrator and yell this "term".
So when our friend accidentally slips up and says "ass" or "this sucks" or anything of that manner - the whole damn family points at him and yells "TOXIC WORD".
It's like the person is a leper or has the plague and you should run from them.
Toxic. Hmmm. And here I thought toxic only applied to what Explosive Man does in the bathroom.
I find "toxic words" amusing. I cannot live without them.
Try this the next time someone swears around you. Freak out, point, gasp and yell TOXIC WORD! See what happens.
If you get slapped, do not blame me.
3. Lastly, this same family has children - as I mentioned. And children as we know - fart
What do you suppose is an appropriate word for farting
Nope - as you can see - none of those work. They are all toxic.
When a person farts (TOXIC WORD)
Oops, I just "pressured".
Holy shit (TOXIC WORD)
My God, that "pressure" just cleared the room.
Shitballs (TOXIC WORD)
See? I can't even talk about "pressuring" without saying a TOXIC WORD.
There you go. The next time you're in a board meeting or in church or somewhere where farting (TOXIC WORD) is inappropriate...go ahead and blow one out. Just tell everyone it was a bit of "pressure" and no one will give a damn (TOXIC WORD)
F*ck (TOXIC WORD)
I wouldn't last a second in that family.