I can’t even believe I’m writing an entire post about this but it’s all Laura Belle’s fault. Today in her Ten Things Thursday she said something about spiders and it reminded me of something so disgusting – that naturally I have to share it.
Seriously – just yesterday or today I was reading the news and there was a headline about “Spider Swarms Killing People” or something ridiculously petrifying like that. I cannot for the life of me understand why on Earth I dared to click on the link.
Well actually I did it to make sure that these spider swarms weren’t in Podunk…cuz um…I’d be leaving town if they were.
They weren’t. They were in some crazy, far off place like Mo-zam-beek or something. Whew.
They put a f*cking picture of the spider at the top of the article. It’s like a small, newer, more modern version of the old tarantula. Thank you very much. For the nightmares I will now have tonight.
I just wanted to READ about them….not SEE them.
Anyway – so these spiders come in groups. I think the article might have even called them “herds”. I could go back to the story and check to be sure but then I’d have to see that spider picture again and I’m not doing that. Not even for accuracy sake.
That’s what is peculiar to the scientists. That the spiders travel in herds.
That they ATTACK. They seem to “spring” onto people’s bodies and clamp on and bite.
And kill people. Or you get excruciating pain and aches all over your body if you don’t die. If that were me – I think I’d choose death anyway.
So as I keep reading I’m freaking out more and more. It’s like a low budget bad horror movie – in real life. No one can figure out what kind they are or where they came from. There may be an anti-venom but they haven’t administered it yet. I guess more swarms of people must die before they can find the heart to kill swarms of spiders.
So I keep reading, keep freaking out. People…multiple people have died from spider bites. This is 2012. This is insane. How long before one of them dumb ass people killing spiders walks his way to my neighborhood?
No one but me seems to be panicking or understanding the severity of the situation!? Where’s the National Guard or the CIA or PETA?
PETA can have all of those spiders it wants. Have at ‘em. Make ‘em your pets if you want.
And then – I get to the last sentence in the article.
Now I’d like to strangle the writer, kill him or her and then shank their baby toes.
The last line said something like this:
However, it is unsure whether or not the spider bites actually killed any people. The people who have been bitten and died all FIRST went to witch doctors for aid. The witch doctors cut open the bites with razors and then burned the people’s wounds. THAT may be what killed them. We cannot be sure.
YOU CANNOT BE SURE??? I mean I’m no doctor but I can be sure.
Hmmm….did a spider kill this person or did the razor cut burned to a crisp gaping wound play a bigger part in their death???
OMG – this whole time it wasn’t really the spiders? I was about ready to go live in my bomb shelter until the species was eradicated.
And the whole time I should have been scared of the witch doctors.
Why are there still witch doctors anyway? I’m so confused.
If you get a spider bite, since when do you run to a witch doctor down the street? And then let her rip you open with a razor and then burn you? When would that ever seem like a good idea?
I don’t know who is more stupid.
The spiders for running around willy nilly in gangs.
The spider-bitten people running to witch doctors.
The witch doctors for being alive. And owning razors.
The journalist for completely making up a story that isn’t a story but will still haunt me all week.
Or me – for blogging about this shit and thinking anyone will read it.
My apologies for the 5 minutes you spent reading this that you will never get back. Oopsie.