Friday, July 20, 2012
Friday's Letters Link Up!!!
Dear demon that is my 6 year old: Why? Just why on Friday mornings – in front of my mother – do you turn into the Spawn of Satan? With the flailing legs and spinning head and noises only animals make coming from your sweet little lips? Are you sure you are mine because I’m certain you are not the child I shoved through my birth canal.
Dear Watermelon: Thank you for teaching me that the old saying “this hurts me more than it hurts you” is 100% completely true. You got in trouble for the first time ever and Rambo and I had to ground you. While it crushed you – it nearly killed me. 10 minutes later I was already asking Rambo if we could un-ground you. Jesus.
Dear nail God : Please, please, please shine down on me today while I finish my landscaping around the pool. It’s a small area and all I have left. If I can finish this through the waves of nausea and fatigue AND not break a nail – I will sacrifice a small bunny in your honor. If I can find one. And catch it. Oh wait – there’s a burn ban in my town due to the drought…no bunny cooking today over the spitfire. Sorry.
Dear Miller Lite beer: I hope that today you taste like pond scum and that you are ridiculously warm all day when Rambo tries to partake in too much of you at the bachelor party.
Dear person who invented skinny jeans: I just have one question. If I can never purchase a pair because I can never fit in a pair, does that automatically mean that every pair of jeans I wear that aren’t skinny jeans should be termed fat jeans? Or are they just called “My legs and ass are too huge to ever actually fit in real skinny jeans” jeans?
And on that note – I’m done. I’m too crabby to write anything worth any merit – you know – due to the f*cking withdrawals I’m having that no one prepared me for. I mean if I have to suffer this much I would have at least hoped that it’s actually because I really did have some huge heroin high and while on that high I cleaned my whole house, wrote a novel, mowed the grass with just a pair of scissors and ate 16 ice cream cakes without gaining a pound. THEN this withdrawal might be worth it. Maybe.
If you do Friday’s Letters, don’t forget to go back to Ashley’s blog at Adventures of Newlyweds and add your link! The goal is to find 5 new blogs through the link up and hopefully 5 new bloggers may find you too!
Have a good weekend, Skittles.
Posted by the gumdrop farting Skittle bathing ♥ Drazil ♥ at 9:05 AM